pasty situation..

This story is arguably not funny. My argument, of course, being that it is funny. My cousin’s argument, being that it is not funny.

It was Saturday morning and my cousin and I were in the bathroom, talking about the night before. She was getting ready, because she has a life, and I sat Indian-style on the toilet.. lid. I then noticed that there was two hardened toothpaste globs down the bathroom counter. Amanda saw me starring at them and decided to get a look herself.. then she exclaimed “That’s where it went!!” I lost it.. so hard that I involuntarily aborted my indian-style pose. She then began to explain herself.. Monday morning, when she was brushing her teeth she had made a movement that forced the toothpaste of the brush. Then she began reenacting how she looked around for the missing paste.. even rubbing her foot around on the multi-colored rug for an extended period of time. She gave up, hence its presence now.

…she was right. This isn’t that funny.. sorry guys.

amy lately..

"I know having a baby is a huge responsibility. It's at least a five year commitment, and I would be silly to think I was ready for it." -Chelsea Handler's Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. (p81)


The world's goal: procreation.
My goal: seeing how many knots can be tied with my fallopian tubes.

say whaaat?..

What I’m about to tell you will hopefully make you feel better about yourself, instantly..

I am 25 years old. Approximately 2 years ago I went to see a chiropractor because they give cheap x-rays. I felt I needed an x-ray because I couldn’t walk. My theory being that I had a broken foot.. which I woke up to. So, after no fracture or break was detected, my chiropractor recommended me to a ‘real’ doctor. It was from this ‘real’ doctor that I learned I had an arthritic condition call gout. Yes, gout.. A common problem usually found in 60 year olds.

Days later, I returned to my chiropractor to have my back x-rayed. He told me I had compressed discs in my lower back. After telling him about my gout, he then told me I had the body of a 70 year old man. My jaw dropped and remained dropped.. waiting for the “just kidding” that never came.

Now, years later, my mouth is still open..

Auburn wins!

Last night, while laying on the couch, watching the BCS National Championship game (Auburn v. Oregon).. I caught myself with 'Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang' in one hand (for commercials) and my other hand down my pants.. for warmth? It was at that moment that I realized the hand holding the book was freezing..

i nominate black beans..

After work last night, I was hungry. I opened the pantry to find a can of black eyed peas with bacon. My mind freaked.. I bought those for New Years Day, purely on superstition. I remembered buying them on New Years Eve and thinking the with bacon part would taint the rumored “good luck” one would receive by eating them on New Years Day. Seeing how with bacon was my only option, I went for it.

New years Day rolled around and after reaching the interstate, headed to T-town, I realized I had left them behind.. I may have forgotten but fortunately the Sooners didn’t. ;)

So after some thought and a couple of texts on the ‘rules’, it was decided that maybe the 5 day delay wouldn’t matter. Better late than never.. To be double sure, I’d eat an entire can. I had a little giddy in my up as I cooked me up some bean-peas and sat on the couch, just in time for the Colbert Report. Lucky?.. maybe.

I took my first bite..

I must have been so caught up in Colbert’s schpeel on the value of gold, based on shininess, to the paper dollar because it wasn’t until I swallowed that “good luck” became very much NOT worth it. Black eyed peas, the food, are awful.

The “good luck” thing HAS to be a marketing ploy: Black eyed pea sales are down.. Let’s call them lucky, but only if you eat them the first day of every year.. sending America into a frenzy. The sales in that one day will make up for the entire year. High fives all around.

Jokes on you America.. or.. world.

balderdash..

What would you call it when someone reads 37 of the 42 chapters of "Catch-22" then let's so much time pass before finishing that they have to start over?

Let me know so I can add it to the list of self-adjectives.

something for that 2:30pm feeling..

The bathroom at my work is so small that sometimes.. you have to turn towards the mirror to pull yourself up. In any other mirror, this could seem uncomfortable and discouraging. However, this particular mirror reflects miracles. Being a long, slender oval design.. it cuts off just early enough that even thunderiest of thighs could appear to be trim and non-touching. You could literally be standing semi-straddle and never be able to tell.

Today, I’m sporting some thin black panty hose.. the kind that look like there are boy shorts attached to the top and I couldn’t help but to spend a few extra moments in there just doing a little dance that I associate with the women in burlesques: the one-hip-flip. [hands on hips, one leg slightly bent, other leg really bent with only toes on ground so it’s easier to flip that one hip up and down.. to a saucy beat.]

Mirror designers.. I like to guess the creator by their creation. This mirror's creator: Cher.